Worst film ever

Worst film update: Adam Sandler sweeps 2012 Razzies

Adam Sandler, the maestro of dreck, has swept the 2012 Razzie awards with a record breaking haul of 10 awards for his opus Jack and Jill.

It is the first time in Razzie history that a film has ‘won’ every prize on offer. Let’s measure the dimensions of Jack and Jill’s crapness:

Worst Picture – Jack and Jill
Worst Actor – Adam Sandler for Jack and Jill AND Just go with it
Worst Actress – Adam Sandler as Jill in Jack and Jill
Worst Supporting Actress – David Spade as Monica in Jack and Jill
Worst Screen Ensemble – the entire cast of Jack and Jill
Worst Director – Dennis Dugan for Jack and Jill AND Just go with it
Worst Remake, Rip-off or Sequel - Jack and Jill (rip off of Glen or Glenda)
Worst Screen Couple - awarded to Sandler for the twins OR Al Pacino and Katie Holmes for…Jack and Jill
Worst Screenplay – Jack and Jill, written by Steve Koren & Adam Sandler, Story by Ben Zook.

So is it the worst film of all time? I don’t know, I’d have to actually watch it to find out. This may happen...if the people who watched Gigli with me are game.

From Glitter, to Sex Lives of the Potato Men, to Showgirls, to Gigli,

to Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, bad movies must be counted.

Because if you haven't witnessed J-Lo's vagina monologue in Gigli, or snorted popcorn out of your nose because of Ninja Domination, then you haven't lived with the full glory of dreck on film. I am not so much interested in mediocre flicks that know they are meant to be bad, the self-aware Bs like Snakes of a Plane or Lesbian Vampire Killers (although that was rank).

No, we are looking at films which aim to be good at what they do and miss wildly, with what used to be known in the chemistry lab as a squeaky pop. Often the culprits are studio movies that have a lot of money thrown at them by executives and become like juggernauts of badness - the more money involved the worse the taste and intelligence of the movie. Sucker Punch is a great example of a product obviously aimed at teenage boys playing video games that is close to being unwatchable; unless you are 12 and at home with a box of kleenex and even then.

Why I walked out of Sucker Punch

I have sat through thousands of screenings, finished Gigli, survived Catwoman and stayed the course on the Sex Lives of the Potato Men even after the fish-paste sandwich thing, but I had to walk out of Sucker Punch.

About an hour in? Who knows; it felt like five. My buddy Mike wanted to go after 20 minutes in – I now agree.
It wasn’t tedium (though every frame was so terrifically dull). It wasn’t shame (I’ve worked on a Steven Seagal). It wasn’t old fartdom catching up with me (I loved Kick Ass, I liked Scott Pilgrim).

No, it was like standing over someone’s shoulder in HMV watching them play a first-person shooter on a playstation. Then throw in some drag queens. Then throw in some guys trying to act like Dick Tracy. Hang on, this sounds too good.

Sucker Punch is like a group of 13 year old Halo players devising a school play. Then having it re-written by their 50 year old uncle while he rubs his thighs and declares love for Avril Lavigne. It has a sticky quality. It has a Showgirls quality, a bit of Burlesque, a bit of Coyote Ugly. Yet it is also a 12a. It has attractive actresses standing around in their undies, yet they may as well be Alan Shearer creosoting his fence.

Talking of that, who are they selling this movie too? Figurines include: a blonde called Babydoll, a brunette, an Asian, all prancing around in slightly 12a-ified Anne Summer’s gear. I don’t want to say they look like drag queens but. Stand up the men who asked them to wear those clothes and say those stupid things.

14 year old boys have needs? Fine, let them play a video game and find succour on the internet, there is no need to get Abbie Cornish involved. Nazi Zombies. Medieval sprites with massive swords. Oh look there Scott Glen reading his lines. Fuck me, he must be hard up. I think I am actually losing it.

Zach Snyder, you made 300 and Watchmen, thank you for those. Maybe take some time out and stay away from Akira please.

I go into every new movie hoping it will be good, hoping it won’t be Sucker Punch. Please don’t make me review it, I can’t anyway I ruled myself out by walking. Don’t make me say any more, I need to do the washing up and take out the recycling.

Sorry Mike.

10,000 BC

The Mummy: Tomb of the dragon emperor

Clash of the titans 3D